life of a lost-swimmer

Adios!!

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 14:29:56 GMT

I have a myspace now and it is much easier to use and it is easier for me to manage how says shit on my page and who doesn't. So anyone that still reads this piece of shit so go and check out my myspace. It is really sweet and I just posted something that I know for a fact Nicole will love and so will anyone else that supports gay marriage. Check it out. I have the same name as I have on this one. Lost_swimmer

blowing nose

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 13:46:23 GMT

Still pissed off but I can't say that anymore. Everything I say now is going to be taken seriously so I can only right in this that I am happy and I love all of my friends and they are all perfect and nothing is bothering me.

I also apologize for venting. I figured that was allowed to vent considering I got stabbed in the back by two people, my best friend who I don't get to see anymore is being described to me as a complete fuckup, and I got in a horrible car accident that has thrown me into finacial ruin. But I guess not.

SORRY TO EVERYONE!! SORRY!! From now on I will be nice and poliet. I have no reason to be upset. No reason at all.

Everyone have a great day. I hope that some people that took it personally will accept my apology and if not, I am still sorry.

I swear on everything I own......

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 00:25:47 GMT

People suck!!! I am going to bitch. I am going to bitch quite a bit so if you don't like it don't finish reading,

My friends suck and here is why:

One friend: Way to stab me in the back. Then lie about it and make me feel worse. Do you realize that I have always been there for you. Never called you a liar when other people did and never made fun of you when other people did and it resorts to this. You need help. I should have told you sooner but I was trying to help you because no one else would. You need to get some serious help because you are way over attention seeking and attached to your mother.

Another friend: Way to ditch me for a man. You kept telling me you wouldn't but do you realize that I had surgery and I still came down to see you but yet you never have time or money or energy to come and see me?? Yea money... not an excuse considering I am in debt over $3000 and still am not allowed to work and Dawn has her own bills to pay. So thanks for making me feel like I am getting walked all over.

All my friends from AK: Thanks for making me feel like shit because I am to poor to come back up there and because I have problems that you couldn't even dream about let alone handle. So yes I do suck and yes I thought I was coming back. I would still like to be friends but I am sorry that coming back up there at the moment is not an option at all.

One friend: Thanks for using me to go online and not do scholorship stuff and than blame it on me so that I get in trouble by your mom. I tried to help you get into college but right now from what I hear you are going to end up with a horrible attitude, knocked up, alone, and not in college. Hope you are happy and I am still here for you but don't even think of calling me only to do scholorship stuff.... I am not just your bitch for college information.

Another friend: Way to be a drug addict. If you call me one more time and tell me that I suck because I never call than you need to start asking your freakin Aunt if anyone called. A phone goes two ways and if I call and someone says they will give you the message than I am not the shitty friend now am I?? Yes I do not call you enough but you sure as hell make no effort but I can say I made a little effort.

Yes to everyone that is going to comment on this and try and make me feel like shit I don't care!!! You know why?? Because I am finally starting to deal with my own problems and no one seems to realize that I need to come first once in awhile. A good friend that I actually have no complaints about told me that and it is true. I don't want everyone else's drama and bullshit in my life anymore and if that is all you are going to do is walk on me or stab me in the back or bitch about how bad I made you feel than I will live without you. I do suck and I may not be the nicest person in the whole world all the time but I am forward and for that many of you should be thankful because I have given every one of my friends great advice more than once since I have known them and I am a fun person to be around. That is not me bragging it is what people told me online when I asked them tonight.

To everyone that may be pissed about this I don't care. At the moment I think you can all Fuck off. I tried and I am done.....

Ohhh and by the way.... to my one friend that went and told everyone that I was gay thanks.... that was really nice of you.

But for all of those that didn't know... Yes I am gay and I am happy. I love Dawn very much and I am spending the rest of my life with her and if you have a problem with that than you need to eat a huge pile of shit and die.

This is so Me!!

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 19:57:26 GMT

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Long time.....

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 23:47:32 GMT

Wow!! It has been awhile. I don't have the internet yet but I have ohh so much to tell everyone that reads this. I am getting the internet for sure this week or the begining of next so I will update then and I will be on aim and msn so that I can talk to you guys. I miss some of you so much and I can't wait to keep in touch with you guys again. I hope all is well with everyone else. I will update all about my life in the next couple days.

how low can someone really sink??

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 05:25:56 GMT

I have tons to say but yet..... I don't feel like it. No one gives a shit anyways and my opinion isn't important. I am going to be busy with work and more work and ohh... did I mention work. Fuck Bob Evan's and there bull shit. Other than that I have nothing else to say to all of the assholes that read my journal. If you were a good friend than I would fucking hear from you once in awhile and I wouldn't always have to call your asses to just see what is going on since you don't keep in touch. Oh yea.... and the bull shit with I just call when I want something isn't true. Sorry that I thought I was a decent person. I appreciate the person that showed me I suck. I won't forget it. My cell phone is getting shut off so if you really care it sucks that you won't know what is going on because I don't care anymore. I don't feel like updating anymore since all people do is stab me in the back and try and make my life worse than it already is. Good luck to everyone with everything they do, just leave me the fuck out of it. Yes... I mean this to everyone because I can't handle everyone else's bull shit drama that isn't half as bad as my life and no one even takes the time to notice that. I don't want to say my life is harder than anyone else's but it just sucks that no one notices that I am this hurt yet you all call me friends. Yea... thanks alot guys. Like I said.... have fun with your lives and get everything you want and all that jazz. And when you get there make sure that I have your address so that I can send you the Hallmark card that should read one of the two following:

Thanks for making religion a part of my life... (open card) I never believed in hell before.

Congradulations on getting what you want... (open card) Just make sure you take this knife out of my back because you might need it again later.

Oh and you might want to leave me a comment saying which one you would like. Whichever card fits you just let me know and I will make sure it gets to you after you get whatever the fuck you wanted so badly. Hope everyone is happy because I did not think I was a bitch until I looked at my life and the friends that helped me to where I am today. This a big and fat sarcastic thank you to you all. (*side note* if you are going to leave a sarcastic comment or something stupid go for it but I don't even know if I will bother reading it)

little thingy....

Thu, 26 May 2005 21:58:23 GMT

Leave a comment and don't say who you are. Say everything you want about me. The good the bad the indifferent. Make sure you don't leave your name. Tell me anything you want about me and if you want to say something about yourself to. Say your secrets or your fears. Just comment on life. Make sure you don't leave your name because those with names will be deleted.

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 06:31:37 GMT

01. I miss somebody right now

02. I don't watch much TV these days

03. I love olives

04. I love sleeping

05. I own lots of books

06. I wear glasses or contact lenses

07. I love to play video games

08. I've tried marijuana

09. I've watched porn movies

10. I have been in a threesome

11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship

12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy

13. I have acne free skin

14. I like and respect Al Sharpton

15. I cuss frequently

16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year

17. I have a hobby

18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.

19. I carry my knife/razor in my car.

20. I'm smart

21. I've never broken someone's bones

22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal

23. I hate the rain

24. I'm paranoid at times

25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar free

26. I need money right now!

27. I love Sushi

28. I talk really, really fast

29. I have fresh breath in the morning

30. I have semi-long hair

31. I have lost money in Las Vegas

32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister

33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.

34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis

35. I have a twin

36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past

37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.

38. I like the way that I look

39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months

40. I know how to do cornrows

41. I am usually pessimistic

42. I have a lot of mood swings

43. I think prostitution should be legalized

44. I think Britney Spears is hot

45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past

46. I have a hidden talent

47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have

48. I think that I'm popular

49. I can whistle

50. I have kissed someone of the same sex

51. I enjoy talking on the phone

52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants

53. I love to shop

54. I would rather shop than eat

55. I would classify myself as ghetto

56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.

57. I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal

58. I don't hate anyone

59. I'm a pretty good dancer

60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington

61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother

62. I have a cell phone

63. I believe in God

64. I watch MTV on a daily basis

65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months

66. I love drama

67. I have never been in a real relationship before

68. I've rejected someone before

69. I currently have a crush on someone

70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

71. I want to have children in the future

72. I have changed a diaper before

73. I've called the cops on a friend before

74. I bite my nails

75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club

76. I'm not allergic to anything

77. I have a lot to learn

78. I have dated/ shagged someone at least 10 years older or younger

79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie

80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes

81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message

82. I have at least 5 away messages saved

83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before

84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past

85. I own the "South Park" movie

86. I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal

87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum

88. I enjoy some country music

90. I think that Pizza Hut did have/has the best pizza

91. I watch soap operas whenever I can

92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist

93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career

94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all

95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"

96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy

97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it

98. I cry at least twice a week

99. I'm happy as of this moment

100. I think the Beagle is the best breed of dog

101. I hate my job

102. I've been on TV

103. I am irrationally attracted to campy handbags

104: I deliberately didn't bold at least one statement on this list that should've been bolded.

105: I love the scents of my SigOth.

106. I have a college degree.

107. I can point my feet and toes like a ballerina/gymnast

108. I own far too many CDs.

109. I know all the words to "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground

110. I am obsessed with large breasts

111. I am almost never bored.

112. I believe myself to be very lazy.

113. I was a child prodigy and loved most of it

114. I have a thing for slender, dark-haired boys who aren't Asian.

115. I was really unattractive growing up

116. I am attending/want to attend a college out of state

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 05:58:24 GMT

I am making it friends only so that means for those of my friends that don't know, you have to log in to see my most updated entries. Ok now to my rant on this stupid bitch:

You want to be a big fat duche bag and slam me for shit I didn't write in your god damn journal and then erase my fucking comment?? How about it doesn't fucking matter because I have my own journal so now I am just going to fucking write it here and everyone is going to see it. I was trying not to be a bitch like you but I can't fucking help it. Make fun of me but when I dish it back delete it?? What a pussy.

How dare your fucking fat ass calls me a fat liar when you have absolutly no room to fucking talk, first off and second off how about you stop blaming shit on me that I didn't do. Until you fuckin call up my work and ask you should have just deleted it or something. But no. You fucking slam me, by blaming all your petty ass problems *that were probably lies* on me and than sit there and harass me because I try and tell you your wrong. I don't give a shit what you think but I didn't fucking write a goddamn thing in your journal until Teri asked me about it. Did you notice she either has some respect for me or believes me because her comment was deleted. Does that tell you your fucked up?? That you should have backed your shit up instead of talking with a mouthful of shit first?? Ohhhhhhhh wait of course not. That would have been inteligent. So now who has the last fucking commment about it because I am not just going to drop it when some stupid lesbian whore starts sayin shit about me and when I try to say it isn't me she just keeps starting shit. So now I am a fucking bitch because you aren't getting the last word and no everyone knows about it. Should I put your fucking name to so everyone can comment in my journal about how much they hated you anyways?? That would be fun. But unlike you, I have a little bit of class and I didn't share anything about you because even though everything you told me was a bunch of lies and than you tried to say that I said them about myself, I still am going to have a small heart and leave your fucking name out of it. However... YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU FUCKING ARE AND YOU KNOW YOU KNOW YOU ARE A STUPID FUCKING ATTENTION SEEKING LESBIAN WHORE THAT HAS NO RIGHT TO SLAM ME!!

Ok... now I feel better. College is getting better and my classes got changed for the final time I hope. *crosses fingers* Some people still need to get me there address because I don't have it. *cough cough* Kristine *cough cough* LOL When I get your letter I should have it but you should still email it to me or something.

Since most of you peeps are sleeping anyways I will still say good night and sweet dreams. I will update stuff probably Saturday because classes most of the day and than HOCKEY GAME!! Whooo Hoooo! They rock up here.

Wow. what a crazy place

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 07:32:43 GMT

College is freakin nuts!!

Yea if you notice the horny part...... thanks Talena...... but I guess it isn't all bad. LOL

Holy Crap Man!!

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 05:26:51 GMT

Wow!! My classes are nuts. People are crazy. Hockey rocks. Broomball is awesome. Financial Aid is the best thing ever. I love not haveing a job (even though that won't last). Other than that I really don't know what to say. Most of my friends don't even read this anymore or don't care anyways. And the only reason I have it is because of two friends. So I am starting to miss the point. Oh well. I guess it is just difficult being this far away from home and the time difference is kicking my ass. I want to call some people so bad but I can't because they are totally already in bed and I don't want to wake them up you know. Anyways, if I don't have your address (A.K.A. ~ you haven't gotten a letter yet) you need to get it to me. Email it to me or write me a letter. Either way if you want me to keep in touch do it that way since aim freakin sucks up here. I get my own computer Friday hopefully so maybe then my aim will work. Otherwise I am thinking about just getting an MSN account even though it would be pointless because I would have no one to talk to. But I am still being dumb and thinking like that. Ok. Haven't finished my homework for my classes tomorrow so I am going to get off and go finsish it. LOL Have a good night or sleep actually for my friends and I will update again probably like Wednesday or something because I am lazy and won't migrate down here again till then. Email me people I am bored up here. Not really but I miss talking to people. swimmer2204@aol.com

oh the joys of college

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 05:11:49 GMT

You scored as Chris

Damn dumb people yesterday. Some smart ass pulled the fire alarm at 1:00 AM!!! this morning. Down four flights of stairs climbing threw a snow bank in slippers with no coat I stood outside for almost 15 minutes. Can you say cold?? I sure can. It was -12 last night. Damn those dumb bastards.

Anyways, classes are crazy could share stories but I have homework so I am going to migrate back upstairs and get some of it done hopefully. Write tons of stuff tomorrow or Monday or something like that.

*side note* AOL SUCKS!!

Whoo Hoo!!

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 08:08:29 GMT

On a computer that actually likes me so I can write some stuff and it will be all pretty and what I want to say. And no time limit. He he. Like it wasn't pointless enough in the last entry. Ha

Ok. My roommate is ok but I don't really know yet. I met a lot of new people today and they all rock. I start classes tomorrow and pick up my books that I don't already have. I have to go fix my meal plan because it isn't the right one at all. I toured most of campus and already have a couple clubs to check out tomorrow and there is a dance on Saturday that I am going to with my new friend Uniqa. She is so freakin awesome. She rocks my socks. Other people are really nice to. I love the atmosphere and can't wait to start classes.

I found out about a lot sports and found out that hockey is the main thing up here. It is cool though because we face Ferris on Friday. It is going to be really cool because I know people from Ferris. Like it is Michigan Ferris like people that I graduated with go there. Of course I will be voting for the Nooks though so sorry to disappoint all of the other people.

Aim isn't working so I don't know when or if I will have it but I am going to try and get a Msn thing. So maybe if people have that or if people just want to email me that is great too.

Ok really tired I have been up and running all day and I need some sleep. Early morning tomorrow. I will post my class shcedule tomorrow if I get time but I don't know. Bye for now hopefully you guys aren't to cold. It is only -25 here now so it is like a heat wave compared to yesterday. LOL

Hey from Alaska where it is currently to dang cold to be outside

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 06:56:28 GMT

Hey everyone again. I am all the way up in Alaska right now and I love it. I miss a lot of people and I wish that I didn't have to leave them behind but oh well. I am keeping in touch and I will be back. Don't mean the oh well in a bad way either for those that might hvae taken it that way. I have so much to say in here but I don't know how much time I have so what I get threw I get threw and what I don't, sorry and you should email me if you want more info or write me. I want mail!! lol. For those that don't know it my email is swimmer2204@aol.com feel free to use it. I love getting mail there to.

I MISS TALENA AND NICOLE!! I miss other people to. I LOVE YOU KEVIN!! Man my brother is killing me not being around. He was annoying I admit but I love him to death and I miss him alot. I miss other people to like Kristine and a certain someone else how knows who he is but I am keeping in contact with people so it is all good.

HOLY NUTS!! I got lost twice in Chicago. *wink Nicole* It was nuts. People are crazy there and it was really cold in just a torn up old hoodie with no gloves and jeans with holes. Yea found a good java place if anyone goes to Chicago and needs some place to get something hot to drink. LOL Yea but that was really fun stuff. Taking the train thing and getting all confused and lost and oh the story about that is just crazy. But how in the world did I manage to get lost twice?? I don't think I will ever know.

Dude!! My plain ride was crazy. I flew threw the northern lights and our flight was an hour and half longer than it should have been. There is more to that but I will update it later. My college is awesome and I love the city. All the people are so nice and it is really cold but it is ok. It was -38 when I was out to dinner at the Food Factory, which by the way I recomend to anyone that is coming up here and needs food, but it is later now and it gets colder so I am not sure how cold it is now. Man it is wierd to because it is all dark outside. Like I mean it was only four oclock and it was dark like Michigan one in the morning dark. It is ok though because it is really pretty.

I start classes on Thursday and I got all the ones I wanted. I am so proud of myself though. They think that I should be in college Calculas but I turned them down because I haven't even taken Pre-cal yet. I just thought it was really cool that the subject I love I placed so well in. They also told me that they thought I could test out of it and be higher but first semester in college up here you hvae to be in Cal. or lower so I am good. Pre-cal will work for me. I am excited. Three math classes a psych (sorry spelling) class and a science class. It rocks.

Dude!! I bought these awesome socks today. HA!! I can see the anger and shock on your face Talena. "What the hell was she thinking??" Does that sound like what you are thinking right now?? LOL. I know I don't need more socks but I can't help it. Anyways, going to get off now and maybe get some sleep. It is a four hour time difference for all of my friends to me so feel free to call anytime after noon your time. LOL. If you wake me up I am going to be pissed. LOL. j/k Feel free to call me whenever because I love talking to people. Oh by the way Lauren I am sorry that I got off. They told me that I wouldn't get charged roaming but I am until midnight tonight when my plan changes. I was going to call you because my free nights started at nine but than I realized that you would be sleeping and I don't want to wake you. So I will call you tomorrow and anyone else that wants to talk to me call me on weekends because I can talk the longest than. Especially you Talena because we talk forever. LOL We have to keep that up because after a week not talking we will have plenty to say.

~Oh yea~ miss you to Melissa. LOL. No I didn't forget you. I miss you tons and I was planning on calling you Wednesday because you don't have a college class than right?? Oh well. How about you email me and I will call you on Saturday at like four your time. Be waiting. J/K

MISS EVERYONE AND CAN'T WAIT TO TALK TO YOU IF YOU CALL AND ANSWER ALL YOUR CRAZY QUESTIONS ABOUT ALASKA!!! =)

Whoo Hoooo !!!!

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 20:41:36 GMT

Four days and I can leave behind almost my whole life. Especially stupid lying bitches that feel the need to slam people about stuff that they didn't even do. Saturday is my last day in Michigan until the end of May. YAY!! I am going to miss some people but I am sure that if they are good friends like I think they are we will keep in touch and they will find me when I get back. I heart some people and some of them can't be mentioned so instead of making some people feel bad, you should know who you are that I heart and if you are unsure comment and I will be honest. ~evil smil~ j/k. If you want to feel special just comment and if you comment before Sunday morning at 4:30 am you will be forgotten.

Friends suck my butt cheek

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 00:55:34 GMT

Right!? So I just got blamed for shit I didn't do and all kinds of shit is being said that doesn't even make sense. Nice to know that people have to act like they are fucking two. It isn't my fault that you have fucking comments on your damn journal. If you wanted to know who was commenting how about you just fucking make it so that anonymous people can't comment. Or just delete them if you don't like them. Tis what I do and it works fine. But of course that would have been the smart thing. So now instead let us harass someone that was supposidly a "friend" (i use that term losely because I don't think we ever were) and spread rumors about them on lj and get them harassed by people that they haven't even talked to in forever. Ok. How about you take a hint and if I wasn't good enough senior year to be your friend than fuck off and don't try to talk to me now.

I don't know. This shouldn't bother me but it does because it is all lies. I can be just as hurtful to that person but I guess I have more class sense I won't sink that low. I just hate all people from Fitz. I mean honestly. There are like ten kids that graduated ok and everyone else is stuck up and so self involved that there friends house would blow up and they wouldn't care. I feel sorry for people like that but maybe it isn't just Fitz. I mean people at work are like that to. I understand being selfish but there is a line between healthy and not.

Who cares?? It doesn't matter anymore anyways because I am leaving soon and can't wait to get away. Wait. Because people are retarted it is going to follow me there because apperently I don't deserve a break. Oh well. I am forgetting everyone. I keep saying I will keep in touch but there is no point. So after Saturday I won't be writing in this journal, I am changing my screen name and no one will have it and I am getting a new email address. I am leaving all of these shitty as people behind me because apparently I am not a good enough friend or a good enough anything. I will get over it. I think it is some people that won't because they will have no one to make feel two feet tall but man it sucks that I finally decided to stand up for myself.

WTF!!

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 06:47:14 GMT

Ok first of all. I hate people with a big firey passion that are all I am not attention seeking but I am going to post everywhere that I am a cutter. How about you just fucking stupid your attention seeking whorish ways right now?? I mean honestly. If you tell people than you obviously want attention pretty badly or you would keep it to your damn self. If you start to smoke are you going to post an lj, "OHHHHHHHHH!!! I smoke. Today I smoke four cigettes. I am so sorry to my friends that think I will die of cancer and care." How about not. So stop with the damn cutting how about that. Damn stupid ass people piss me off so bad when they say that shit and then argue only a few people know. YOU POSTED IT ONLINE CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!! Might as well have made a damn newsflash about it.

Ok. Moving on. Sorry about the little rant but man is that shit pissing me off. Wednesday I had so much fun. Free food for me and Little Heather at Chili's and Melissa and Talena joined us so it was really fun. And than Du Du RRRR for like forever. It was so awesome because both Talena and Melissa are getting really good. Heather didn't play but she had fun laughing at us being dumb. And than pool. Oh the joys in that. Damn Talena and her lucky clear the table in one turn. Than miss the eight ball and let me sink (we were on a team). Guess it wasn't all bad. LOL. I love her and she was lucky or maybe she is really getting skills. Oh wait. We played again and we all sucked some more. Had to play at least four or five games and it rocked my little, well big, socks. Hope they had fun to.

Thursday was awesome to. Did a whole lot of nothing and than out of no where Lauren calls me and we go out bowling and shopping with Melissa and it was fun. We haven't hung out in so long that it totally rocked my socks. We ended up looking around the mall and than eating and than taking pictures so I have some good memories to leave with so it isn't all bad. OHHHH!! While I was with them I went into stores that fatties like me never shop in and I found the hottest purse ever and I so am going to carry it everywhere. I have carried it everywhere since I got it and hopefully I will get better about the whole purse thing because I never carried one before.

Yea today. Big fat crazy!! I can't even describe it because everything is so bad. I just want out so badly. I helped out a friend but it threw me back so far and now I am sitting here crying and thinking about everything. My plans for today and my thoughts and my life and GRRRRRRRR!!! I hate this so much. I called a friend but she had already called me and she sounded so happy that I didn't want to bother her. So I wanted to call someone else but it is all two in the morning and I don't want to bother that person either and awwwww!! I just am so errrr right now. Someone help me please. It is starting to blow some serios ass cheek.

How about you try this size??

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 06:11:19 GMT

GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! I am just so stressed out and confused. I want so much but I can't seem to get it. I need so much and I can't seem to grasp it. I talk so little and I am so misunderstood. I can't keep doing this. I want out so badly and people are just making it worse. Nice make me feel two feet tall. Nice harass the shit out of me and make fun of me. Does anyone realize that it hurts?? Does anyone realize that I have feelings?? Does anyone even care?? I have gotten so many comments (and yes some have been deleted) about how much people care but it all goes back to do you really. I mean honestly. I have friends that say they care and yet they don't call me unless they want something and don't need me unless it is of convinence to them. It blows my butt cheeks. I just wish that someone could honestly say they care and have a darn good reason unstead of because I do or because of something dumb. I understand that however easy it seems to me it is difficult for some people. Like for instance if you asked me why I care about some people I can not answer you myself because I have no clue. I just am one of those people that likes to know. I hate being confused about things. It makes no sense to me how everyone is all I care but I don't even care. I myself do not care about myself and it doesn't bother me. It bothers me that other people do. I am useless. I have no purpose and I do nothing right or good so what is the point of caring about someone like that. However, I know that people are going to comment and be all but you do but I don't. All I have done is screw things up. My whole life I have screwed up and now someone else is getting into trouble for it. It blows. I told people it was my fault but no one believes me. I take responsiblity for my actions but yet no one will accept that answer either. How about I don't care anymore. It isn't like I will be around for much longer anyways. I am going to run from my problems and get away and forget everything. My whole childhood is going to be non - existing to me. I am sure that it will take time to forget but I don't care. Someone gave me the advice, "Do what makes you happy and even if you have to be selfish you need to get it done. For you, not for me, not for your friends, but for you. Put yourself first and don't let that change until you get something that you want." Well guess what?? I think that piece of advice is the best thing that anyone has said to me and I think I should try it. I am like the least selfish person that people know and maybe it is time for that to change. I should start putting me first. I don't think I can do it but oh well....

Hey how about this. None of this makes sense and I think it was all pointless but whatever. I am going to type a message to a friend and mail it later today hopefully and maybe I will try and sleep for the first time in a couple days. Sorry that people actually read this pointless entry and how about you do me a favor and not comment unless of course you so desire to make me feel even shorter than two fee tall.

Ok.... How about this??

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 21:09:05 GMT

I know people have already read the colorful part but I had to put that before I flipped out. My life is taking an intersting turn. I am faced with two things that I really need and people keep telling me to make me happy but I have spent my entire life making other people happy, and I don't think that I should be selfish. Despite the fact that three people have told me to be in one day because I am the least selfish person that they have ever met. Which kind of rocks my socks because I pride myself on making other people happy. I don't think that anyone realizes that I got hardly anything for Christmas and I spent almost $250 on other people. I think that I got under a $100 in stuff back. Does that tell you how much I don't care about myself?? I am not complaining because I love every gift I got and I am completely happy with it but it is just something that shows how generous I am. I don't know. I don't know how to talk and I don't know how to be selfish and I leave for school soon and I am starting to wonder if I am doing the right thing. I will never know till I try but I hope that it works out. I just need to find a new stress reliever because a certain someone screwed up the one I had. GRRRRR... That person blows really big noodles. But anyways, I just figured out that I am however mad, still glad that that person said those things. Because now maybe I will be able to join swimming and maybe this summer I can actually wear shorts for the first time since I turned 15. I am kind of excited and yet stressed because I haven't found a new outlet you I am actually ok. Or maybe I lie and things will change rather quickly. No one knows. Sucks for you EVERYONE CAN KISS MY MASSIVE WHITE ASS!!!!

Great...... Just freakin peachy

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 05:10:10 GMT

This is lovely. I am really sorry but I can't take this anymore. Some people need a damn reality check. I have my bad days and you have yours. Get the heck over it. I am sorry that you think all I am is a bitch lately but I don't care. I have issues in my own life to deal with and if you don't like it tough cookies for you. I am just really sick of you can be a big fat bitch to me but as soon as I get the smallest tiniest hint of an attitude you call me a bitch and make me feel two feet tall. I am done with that. I am going to stand up for myself and I am really sorry if you don't like it. Don't remain my friend. You should understand that you are not the only one that had a hard life and I really hate to be this mean because I try not to be but I am done. I am leaving and half of the people that I talk to now will not even remember me or care anyways so wtfe.

Work sucks. I don't want to go anymore. Everyone there lies and stabs you in the back and treats you like shit. And now the only reason that I liked going is leaving. And granite I still have one person there cuz I do not want her to think she is a bad manager it is just that the one person that is leaving understood me and I could talk to him. And now, again I am stuck with a fat lot of no one. I am alone again and I know people are going to comment and say I care but really think about it. Do you care?? What have you really done for me that makes me believe it?? When I am hurt do I call you?? The person that thinks that they care.... probably not. No one cares except for this one guy and I don't know why he does and I will never understand it. Whatever floats his boat though.

Yea............... I have so much to say but I am sick of bitching about my stupid problems. I really feel like I should be able to but it isn't going to help. My opinion doesn't matter, I suck at everything, and no one cares anyways. I am ranting to a whole lot of no one and I just feel bad now because I shouldn't have singled out my one friend. I am really sorry to everyone but I have reached the point where my life doesn't matter to me anymore so I don't really care about anyone else's either. I have changed alot and it sure doesn't seem like it is good. But maybe it will be because I am sick of people walking all over me. I really am. And if standing up for myself makes me a bitch and makes me a bad person than so be it. I am done caring.

Yea.... Whatever

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 05:15:18 GMT

I hate live journal sometimes. It blows my butt cheek. I had a great update but now forget it. I am not retyping it all because I am lazy and tired even though I won't sleep I am going to bed.

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GRRRRRRRRRRR..................... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............GRRRRRRRRRRRR
gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......................... GGGGGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr............... GRRRRRRRRRRR..................... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............GRRRRRRRRRRRR
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Great....

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 05:05:27 GMT

Yea. My day was pretty crappy until I got to hang out with Lauren and than it was cool but now it sucks again. Grrr.... I hate it.

Got called into work and made a whole lot of nothing and than got switched to being a KP person because Dave got sick. *hope you feel better Dave* Than I got to leave with Andrew which was cool because it was really nice of him to give me a ride so I didn't have to walk. Than I got home and my day sucked worse and than I left and went to Kristine's for alittle bit and it was fun. We complained about work and talked and had a great time. *intersting phone call on my walk there* Left there and came home to get yelled at some more to than leave to get Lauren and to go out to eat where it was horrible. But me and Lauren still had a great time and than we went and played DDR and shot pool. Oh the fun we had. She is really good at it. I am good, occurding to her, but I still think that if she plays a little bit more she will be better than me. Pool was fun to.

Yea. Than I got home and it blows. I can't take it anymore. And I really need to talk and I have my chance today and I didn't take it. I think I am going to make a phone call tomorrow and get it out. I can't keep doing this to myself. It is stressing me out. Or maybe I should just do what I really want. My new years resolution from last year still has a chance to come true. I don't know anymore. I am just so confused about everything. My friends, my job, my parents, my brothers, school, my future, my past, my present..... how about we just skip the list and say....
EVERYTHING!!!!
I am a big fat moreon and I started back up an old habit and I love it. It helps me so much but now someone has to point out to me that it is like a drug and I am not a drug sort of person. Now it isn't even helping anymore. Damn that person for being so smart. It is even worse because if that person makes me think this hard one more time I am just going to cry and run away.

It seems like all I do is complain in here but I don't care. This little lj for me is a place in which I can say things that I can't say out loud and a place in which I can post private and public messages to people about my life. It helps me cope sometimes so if you have a problem with the drama or the things I say tough freakin cookies. Get the heck over it and don't read it if you don't like it. Sounds simple enough.

Besides everything above, and my about to explode head, my life is just peachy and I go to school soon. Can't wait. So make sure that if you want to hang out with me that you get it in before the 14th because I am busy and leaving after that.

Pumpkin Pie

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 16:29:54 GMT

Way to go. Crappy day. Crappy yesterday. Crappy day before that. Crappy morning. Anyone noticing a pattern here?? Just wondering.

Anyways, people blow. Life blows. It all just blows. Everything is wrong and I can't figure it out. Ok wait. As much as it blows last night rocked my little, well big, socks. Here is what happened.

I finally get off work right (which by the way blows my butt check) and I was tired but not tired at the same time. So I wanted to go shoot some pool and play som DDR and I don't want to go alone. So Nicole calls and we decide that we should go and convince my brother to take us. We get there and there is this chick and this guy playing. We wait and than we play two games and the chick starts talking to us. She seems really nice so we start talking and stuff. Come to find out I was all like, "Yea I work at Bob Evan's". She instantly says, "Oh I know people that work there," and asks me which one. I tell her and she is turns out to be Steph's best friend. How small of a world is this?? J/k. She was so awesome though. We played a couple of games of DDR together and than we both tried double pad and she did way better but still. It was fun stuff to watch the two of us the first time we did it. We were both cracking up. And Nicole played DDR for the first time and she was great. She had tons of fun and if we go out to play again she wants to migrate with us. I hope that I get to hang out with that chick, Ashley (spelling) and with the guy, Roger, again because they really do rock.

Anyways. That is it really. My life sucks, but I had one night of fun. Hopefully I will get more days like that. Well, nights anyways because I really need it. Peace out for now because my damn phone is ringing again. Anyone that needs my number by the way just ask and if I like you you'll get it. =)

doesn't feel like it but....

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 05:10:53 GMT

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

Right?!

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 05:42:59 GMT

Man. Sometimes I can't even describe my day. Well my day I can describe it but I sure can't describe how I feel. It blows when you have days like today. I have so much to say but yet can't say anything at all. It sucks. I am thinking about calling this guy but I don't think I can do it. So oh well. Another night being stressed out and annoyed. Sucks for me I know. Oh well.